Monday, March 25, 2013

Fifty Shades of Confused

You guys...really?

I just finished 50 Shades of Grey and I am just about speechless.

This was 100 shades of bad, guys!   Terrible enough that I now feel awful for any author out there that is struggling to make it and to get published:  Forget what you learned in school about writing,  clearly all you needed to do to make it as a writer was to write a soft core porn about a nerdy virgin turned sex-bot.   I mean...duh... Right?

The first thing that struck me about the book is how terrible the writing is .... And this is coming from someone who enjoyed Twilight AND The Hunger Games!   My standards are low. 

In case you haven't gotten a chance to read this masterpiece, here are some amazing favorite quotes from the book:

"My inner goddess is jumping up and down, clapping its hands like a five year old"

"My Mouth goes dry and desire blooms in my body....whoa" 

"Oh in IHOP"

"Oh, crapola.  Don't get your panties in such a twist...and give me back mine". 

Actually these aren't my favorite quotes.  These are quotes that I found within 5 minutes of scanning some of the pages.  Gold, pure gold!  

orig source
The Characters

The next thing that perplexes me are the characters.  Even the minor characters!   We've got Jose, the token Hispanic friend who exclaims things like "Dios Mio!" ( what is this, a Speedy Gonzales cartoon?) and Katherine who pretty much exists in the book to assure Ana how hot she is.  "Oh Ana you're so shy but you're so hot!".  etc. etc.   

Frankly, I'm hoping they both get killed off in a mysterious kidnapping in book 2.  

And then there are the main characters, Ana and Christian.

These two?


Ana seems nice enough but dude, who exists like this in real life?  I knew plenty of shy, studious types In college,  and I can't think of one who would have been up for an S&M sex slave relationship with an elusive billionaire in his late 20s with mental issues.   At least I think not.... Maybe I need to reevaluate what these folks were doing when they said they were "studying".

And then there is Christian.  Am I alone in thinking this dude is a nut-job?  

"Elusive billionaire enjoys causing pain to others in private."   

It's like Batman meets Jeffrey Dahmer!   I'm also kind of hoping that in book 2, Ana realizes that Christian has killed all of his ex-girlfriends and that she might be next.  Car chases and suspense ensue sort of like this:  

"Holy Moly!  I realized that Christian is right behind me with a knife ready to kill me...but he is SO HOT!  Maybe I should let him do this?!  Because he is SO HOT!   I looked at his expanding member and forgot that he is a serial killer.  TAKE ME NOW!".  

Maybe I need to write my own fan fiction?

I think the thing that confuses me the most, is that crappy sex-fiction has been around for years.  Why did everyone decide 50 Shades of Grey was better than the Fabio romances?  


Maybe they are all kind of terrible in a fun way?

Or maybe a lot more people are into S&M literature than I thought?

Alright, 50 Shades of Grey fans...out with it.  What do you like about this book?  And does Christian end up pulling a Dexter on Ana in book 2?


  1. I Hated 50 Shades!!!! It was awful. The writing was just so, so bad! My confession is a did read all three books. Not quite sure why but they don't get any better so don't waste your time!! Awful!

    1. It's funny. As much as I hated it, I may read #2 (I have them all electronically). It's like watching the Kardashians or something.

  2. I read only the first chapter of the first one--I did enjoy that because the writing made me laugh so hard. But after that I was done--kinda like with Pride & Prejudice & Zombies--it wasn't going to be funny too much longer.

  3. Oh man... 1) love your blog. 2) Don't get me started on 50 Shades. Did you know it started as Twilight fan fiction? Originally, the main characters were Bella and Edward, not Ana and Christian. I can deal with bad writing (I too loved The Hunger Games), but I just can't abide weak female characters. Stand up for yourself! Team Hermione and Katniss all the way.

  4. I had to stop with the second Girl w/the Dragon Tattoo book because of the writing. Didn't mind Hunger Games and Twilight because THEY ARE MEANT FOR TEENAGERS. Oy. However, I'm going to take this time to submit my nomination for book with fun sex scenes but also quality writing: Shine Shine Shine by Lydia Netzer. So good! Quick read!

    1. Thanks for the rec. :) Yeah I felt the same way about giving Hunger Games and Twilight some leeway. They are kids books!

      I hated GWTDT too. The plot made no sense! And it was kinda gross.

  5. I thought all three were great Mexican beach reads while drinking too many pina coladas to get up and run the next morning. Not sure how I will feel about them now that I am back in Ohio under the harsh fluorescent light bulbs of my office. :)