Wednesday, August 14, 2013

The Airing of Small Small Grievances

Sometimes I think the world would be much better if I could change stuff.  Not the big world problems (although obviously that would be wonderful).  The little things.  I've got a lot of first world problems, y'all.  And you're going to hear about them.  Here's my list:

1)  The distribution of frosting on Frosted Mini Wheats:  Seriously man.  With the massive options in food production these days, you'd think awful pictures like this would be a thing of the past:

But no.   We are left with some mini wheats that are gloriously full of frosting and others that are barely sweet at all.  Thus, I am forced to eat all of the most frosted wheats first leaving a pathetic little pile of "Almost No Frosting" Mini wheats that no one wants to eat.   Terrible.

2) Packages of Herbs:  You know when you want to cook something nice and the recipe calls for something like "four leaves of fresh Basil"?  And then you go to the store and see this?

Why must we be forced to buy herbs in bulk quantity when ALL YOU NEED IS ONE SPRIG?!?!  And then I'm left with about 60 basil leaves that get bad.

Oh the injustice.

3) People Who Speed Up So You Can't Merge:  You know when you're driving to work and need to get on the highway?  And you start merging on the highway and some jackass behind you accelerates as fast as they can to get on the highway ahead of you causing you to have to slow down?  Congrats, acceleration dude behind me, you just saved yourself .02 of a second.

4) Maid Of Honor Speeches:  I've been to a lot of weddings.  I attribute this to the fact that I lived in Texas at a time when everyone there was getting married (ages 22-26) and now live in California where everyone my age is getting married.  And I'd say that about 2% of the Maid Of Honor speeches are any good.  They usually consist of someone talking about their best friend for 10 seconds and then bursting into tears and saying declarations of love that make no sense.  Hey lady, I know you love your friend because that's why you're the maid of honor.  Now get it together and tell us some funny stories!

5) Gaining Weight During Marathon Training:  This is one of the world's greatest mysteries to me.  How on earth is it possible to run SO many miles and have your pants be tight?  I am convinced that I exists in some weird universe that running more than 10 miles at a time actually makes my hips absorb energy from the atmosphere.

6) Parking Signs In Santa Monica:  Sometimes parking is just parking.  Other times?  It's a freaking logic puzzle.
That's right folks.  No need to study those LSAT books.  If you can figure out whether or not it's legal to park in Santa Monica, you're on your way to a perfect score.

7) The Intersection of Nice and Badass:  I feel like there's a misconception in life that people who are nice can't stand up for themselves.  That they can't be successful.  I would like to put this idea to rest.  You can be nice to everyone AND not a pushover.  And in my perfect world no one confuses niceness with a lack of badass-ness.

8)  Ticketmaster:  Tickets to an awesome show are $35 dollars.  Not bad, right?  But somehow when I buy them they are $48?  How did this happen?   Mysterious ticketmaster fees.  I will never know what actual service is being provided here but I don't like it.

So your turn to be a grumpy cat:  What are the little things that get you?  Are you with me on the mini wheats???