Sunday, June 9, 2013

On finding the one

I don't know if you've been following the NCAAs but in the 5000 meter women's race yesterday, Abbey D'Agostino took first, Betsy Saina took second, and Jordan Hasay took third.

I know there's probably too much hype around Jordan Hasay (partially because she is blonde and cute but also more legitimately because she is smart, seems sweet, and is damn fast), but I must say, I love her just like everyone else does.  She finished up her college career with this quote:

“I was trying to believe in storybook endings. But that’s life. You can script it all you want, but it doesn’t always work out the way you would like it to.”

Indeed.   Thanks for being real.

Come on, what's not to love.  source
Along this line, I find it very hard to stomach inspirational phrases that say things like "If you can dream it you can do it", etc..  There are inspirational stories every day of people overcoming hardship but at the same time, you see stories of heartache and despair just as often.

I also find romantic statements about "finding the one" and "you'll know when you know" to be very frustrating.  Unless you are very religious, I don't even know how anyone can believe in "finding the one".  It is statistically nearly impossible!  Calculate the odds.   They are not good.  Look at divorce rates.

Even "Everything happens for a reason" is frustrating to me.  Try telling that to someone dying of a terrible disease.  If there is a reason for stuff like that, it sure is lost on me.

How about "If you dream it, you can work extremely hard towards that goal, do as much as you can, and thank your lucky stars you haven't gotten mixed up in some mass shooting or something, maybe you'll get there.  Head down, eyes forward.".  (Sorry, still reeling a bit from this week's Santa Monica college shooting).  

But when I stop being quite so damn pessimistic, sometimes I can try to relate to some of the magic other people seem to feel.  The main thing I can really relate it to is my job.  Is that sad?

Here is why.   I've gone through a huge number of attempted career paths (even internships) that are diverse as horticulture, oil and gas engineering, environmental consulting, education reform, and marketing in the fashion space.

I wouldn't say that every single day of my life, I jump out of bed excited to go to work (there are ups and downs), but in general, I really like my job and am excited about my career path.  I can't really explain it, because I'm not THAT into fashion, or marketing, but I love the combination of data analysis, fun people, constantly changing technologies, reacting to customer behavior, and come on...who doesn't like clothes.  In times like these, when my personal life is a bit of a mess, I almost can't wait to go into work on Monday morning.

I have family connections in the business, but still, without a number of weird hardships, there is no way I would have ended up in digital marketing.  So maybe everything doesn't happen for a reason, but sometimes out of bad stuff comes good stuff.  Right?

And I don't want to fool myself into thinking that this is the only job I will ever have, or the only thing that would give me fulfillment, but I know that I am very lucky to like my job.

So maybe that is what you crazy dreamers are talking about when you say you found the one.  Or that you're reaching your dreams.  Logically, you know that the stats are stacked against all of your dreams coming true and finding THE BEST person in the world for you.  But you sure are thankful that you found things that you love and love you and want to believe you're on the right path.

And that's where I am right now.  Listening to my instincts, trying to be thankful for what I have, hoping that I'm on the right path...and oh yeah...maybe trying to take inspirational phrases a little less literally.  I think that will work better for me :).


  1. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  2. I don't think everything happens for a reason, I just think that humans are pretty resilient and we can always come up with a reason why it worked out after something happens. I mean I think you sort of have to feel that way to ever move on from crappy things.

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  4. I totally agree. My husband and I have each been through tough times (divorce, blended family, aging parents, parents with cancer and Alzheimer's.). Life is hard. Sometimes it sucks. Our favorite mantras are "it is what it is" . We don't aim for perfect we strive to be content. We try to roll with the punches and laugh about as much as possible.
    Good luck to you. You have a lot of people cheering you on!

  5. Thank you for blogging this- three days before I was supposed to get married, my ex called it off, leaving me devastated. It's tough, isn't it. But there is comfort in knowing that other people have gone through it, and have come out ok. And you will too!

    1. Oh man that sounds really painful. Thank you for sharing and all the best to you.

  6. I think that all these truisms can be true but what people don't talk about is the hard work, time, and dedication that goes into making your dreams come true, having a successful career, sustaining a loving marriage, raising a good kid etc, etc. I think people buy into the fairy tale but then don't back it up with the hard work. The moment I met my husband, I knew he was a guy I could marry. Whether I wanted to or had it in me to make a complete commitment took me a couple years to decide. Everything that is worth it takes hard work.

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  10. As someone who is married, I can tell you that the 'when it's right you know' thing is true. I'd dated a lot and I never felt it until I'd been dating my husband. At four months, I told my best friend that we would get married.

    But do I believe he's the only one? No, dear god, that would be terrible! What if something bad happens?! What if we hadn't had a chance meeting at a bar? Would I have been alone forever?! That's depressing.

    There are many happy options out there for you!! And when you find one, you will know. Keep hanging in will get better.

  11. I believe we chose our lives. Even the "bad" shit. I believe in "the one" and that you know when it happens (but you may not have the awareness or trust to go with it). I believe we are here in each life to learn something, to grow something, to improve our piece of the universal oneness.

    Shit. I've been eating too much chia.

  12. Thank you for calling out some of those motivational quotes. Of course some of them are just completely unrealistic.

    As for "the one", I think we all have hundreds of people, worldwide, who could be "the one" if you were to cross their paths. I have been married for 11 years and guess what, I did NOT look at my husband and hear bells right the first time I saw him. I thought, "Oh, that's a nice looking guy," and that's IT. It was several months before we even went on a date. My personal opinion is you naturally fall in love with the people you surround yourself with.

  13. Sorry for the anonymous comment, but I can't get commenting to work correctly on my iPad... Anyways, I found you through HungryRunnerGirl, and I just had to say that your comment about the statistical likelihood of finding "the one" made me laugh because it reminded me of this song--

  14. The song is by comedian Tim Minchin, and it's called "if I didn't have you...someone else would do."

  15. I think people focus too much on finding someone perfect and don't realize that relationships take work. (Jaded NYC dater, here.) I've also realized that I have no idea what my "dream job" is and that I might never find it, but my current job (which isn't that great a fair amount of the time) lets me do things in my life that a 9-5 job wouldn't let me do. So, trade offs. Life isn't perfect and that's fine. We just have to learn to deal with what we're dealt and keep working through it.