As I go through this transition, I have no doubt that this blog is going to be a great outlet for my feelings and how I rebuild.
If you missed the more dramatic post that lived for about two hours (in the case you did JEEZ can't believe you aren't checking my blog hourly) the short of it is that my nearly three year relationship ended in the most dramatic way with my chasing after a car. There had been a lot of shitty things going on for a while and it hit a breaking point earlier this week.
It's too bad because we lived together (I suppose we are still legally living together as I try to move out ASAP). It's also too bad because like most relationships, I entered into this one with the greatest happiness and optimism. I was really happy we were together.
People have been asking "how are you doing?".
Honestly, I'm ok. Or at least I think I am going to be ok barring any major disasters moving forward. I am shocked at how ok I am. I really thought I was going to be a completely dysfunctional shell of a human being for months but unless I am still in shock, that is not the case. I think there are a number of reasons for this:
1) My Gosh You All Are Awesome: I have been overwhelmed by the outpouring of support from my family, friends, internet friends, and people I have never even spoken to before. From my brother (and many others) who offered me a place to stay and offered to help me move, to my cute blog friends who sent me flowers to my coworkers taking me to lunch, to readers writing me notes. Seriously. Never in my life have I felt so loved.
2) You Can't Be Killed When You're Already Dead: I went through about three breakdowns over the past few months over our relationship during arguments. I mean, shaking, crying, have a headache afterwards arguments. I tend to cling onto relationships until their last dying breath which is probably unhealthy. But the good news is that when you finally break up, you are so relieved you don't have to do that again, it's not so bad.
3) Long Term Compatibility and Sadness: I will get all mature here and say that even four days out from this debacle, I can see so many areas of incompatibility. Areas that I knew existed but it's like all of a sudden I can see them. Also, and I don't know if this is the relationship or not (and this may sound a little scary) but for the past few months, I've just had an overwhelming sad feeling. Like when I would drive down the freeway, I would fantasize about crashing my car on the rails. That's not normal. And while I am incredibly sad, all of a sudden that feeling is gone. At least for now. And that's a good thing.
4) The Future is my Oyster: All of a sudden I can do exactly what I want. That's scary but it's also exciting. I can run whatever races I want without the fear of grumbling about them. I can take a damn cake decorating class if I want without worrying if it's going to mess with anyone's schedule. As a rule, I love taking care of others and don't mind changing things for others, but the feeling of freedom feels nice. There is of course, the general feeling of annoyance/fear of being 30 and single when I truly do want to get married and have kids. But more than those things, I want to be happy and treated well. So that's my priority right now.
5) It's been worse and it will be worse: I've experienced worse periods in my life and survived them. And sadly, I'm sure that worse things will happen in my life. You gotta get through the shitty parts to experience the awesome parts, right? And to put it all in prospective, I am incredibly thankful to have a decent job and great family so I can get myself out of this situation without too much worry of imposing or wrecking myself financially.
So there you have it. Here's hoping that the future brings plenty of great blog material like "look at my new roommate and me be hilarious together" and "I'm now dating this dude isn't he cute" and "wow I run so much better now, amazing" and "I made this cake, check it out, succcckas".
And if it doesn't, well I ask for your support because while I am optimistic I know this will not be easy. But I believe it will be for the best.