Saturday, June 1, 2013

A more rational update

As I go through this transition, I have no doubt that this blog is going to be a great outlet for my feelings and how I rebuild.

If you missed the more dramatic post that lived for about two hours (in the case you did JEEZ can't believe you aren't checking my blog hourly) the short of it is that my nearly three year relationship ended in the most dramatic way with my chasing after a car.  There had been a lot of shitty things going on for a while and it hit a breaking point earlier this week.

It's too bad because we lived together (I suppose we are still legally living together as I try to move out ASAP).  It's also too bad because like most relationships, I entered into this one with the greatest happiness and optimism.  I was really happy we were together.

People have been asking "how are you doing?".

Honestly, I'm ok.  Or at least I think I am going to be ok barring any major disasters moving forward.  I am shocked at how ok I am.  I really thought I was going to be a completely dysfunctional shell of a human being for months but unless I am still in shock, that is not the case.  I think there are a number of reasons for this:

1) My Gosh You All Are Awesome:  I have been overwhelmed by the outpouring of support from my family, friends, internet friends, and people I have never even spoken to before.  From my brother (and many others) who offered me a place to stay and offered to help me move, to my cute blog friends who sent me flowers to my coworkers taking me to lunch, to readers writing me notes.  Seriously.  Never in my life have I felt so loved.

2) You Can't Be Killed When You're Already Dead:  I went through about three breakdowns over the past few months over our relationship during arguments.  I mean, shaking, crying, have a headache afterwards arguments.  I tend to cling onto relationships until their last dying breath which is probably unhealthy.  But the good news is that when you finally break up, you are so relieved you don't have to do that again, it's not so bad.

3) Long Term Compatibility and Sadness:  I will get all mature here and say that even four days out from this debacle, I can see so many areas of incompatibility.  Areas that I knew existed but it's like all of a sudden I can see them.  Also, and I don't know if this is the relationship or not (and this may sound a little scary) but for the past few months, I've just had an overwhelming sad feeling.  Like when I would drive down the freeway, I would fantasize about crashing my car on the rails.   That's not normal.  And while I am incredibly sad, all of a sudden that feeling is gone.  At least for now.  And that's a good thing.

4) The Future is my Oyster:  All of a sudden I can do exactly what I want.  That's scary but it's also exciting.  I can run whatever races I want without the fear of grumbling about them.  I can take a damn cake decorating class if I want without worrying if it's going to mess with anyone's schedule.  As a rule, I love taking care of others and don't mind changing things for others, but the feeling of freedom feels nice.   There is of course, the general feeling of annoyance/fear of being 30 and single when I truly do want to get married and have kids.  But more than those things, I want to be happy and treated well.  So that's my priority right now.

5) It's been worse and it will be worse:  I've experienced worse periods in my life and survived them.  And sadly, I'm sure that worse things will happen in my life.   You gotta get through the shitty parts to experience the awesome parts, right?   And to put it all in prospective, I am incredibly thankful to have a decent job and great family so I can get myself out of this situation without too much worry of imposing or wrecking myself financially.

So there you have it.  Here's hoping that the future brings plenty of great blog material like "look at my new roommate and me be hilarious together" and "I'm now dating this dude isn't he cute" and "wow I run so much better now, amazing" and "I made this cake, check it out, succcckas".

And if it doesn't, well I ask for your support because while I am optimistic I know this will not be easy. But I believe it will be for the best.



  1. What? You were given grief about running races and taking fun classes? Why have you suffered in silence so long? You deserve someone who encourages and support the things that make you happy. You deserve that. Thank you for sharing. I know I would not have the strength nor articulation to express my feelings like this.

  2. I didn't see the prior post, but I agree with what Madison says. Grief-giving about the things you love to wonder you haven't felt that love for those things for a while. I'm glad you're feeling optimistic, though I'm sorry you had to go through that painful stuff to get there. I think as the days pass you'll feel free free free. Personally I think you should go find a nice guy from Rice! :^)

  3. There is so much in what you say that reminds me of the end of my previous relationship. Particularly the bit about how all of a sudden you see how incompatible you ever were!! And yes...freedom is the greatest part of singleness. The thing that I learned from a failed rubbish relationship is that when you find the RIGHT person, you realise it so much more quickly. I'm so very sorry you've had such a horrible thing happen to you but the future is super bright right now, I promise.

  4. I don't really know you, and have followed your blog only since a couple weeks ago, but you seem to be a genuinely awesome person who deserves zero suckage in her life. I hope you enjoy the time of freedom that is about to come to its very utmost, and resolve to take zero bullshit. Life will turn around, you will rock all the things, and eventually some ultra-lucky guy will fall all over himself making sure you are happy. Hugs, and happy racing and caking and hilarity-making!!!

  5. I am happy you are out of that really bad situation. Its really tough to see things clearly when you're in the middle of a relationship- luckily when the fog parts, you begin to see everything much clearer and wonder WTF were you doing with this person, and Why the F you stayed. I was in a verbally/emotionally abusive relationship for 4 years. I always thought I was the one with the problem (because my "partner" pointed out everything I did "wrong" all the effing time among many other demeaning things) but after 4 years of some of the worst fights and despressive feelings ive ever felt, I left and started to rebuild my life. I had many of the same thoughts as you wrote above. #4 was near the top of my list.. BUT (hate to sound all cliche and stuff) there will be so many guys lining up for you once youre ready. You are one awesome kick ass lady and you will find someone who recognizes that fact. Until he comes along, enjoy cake decorating and trapeze and any other crazy activity you have dreamed to do but werent able to. (sorry for the novel of a comment :)

  6. Sometimes the passionate/less rational thoughts need to be blurted out in order to make space for the more objective, useful thoughts to come through. I didn't read the first blog (I blame the time difference :P) but I saw the blurb of it on bloglovin and figured out what happened pretty quickly.

    I'm really glad that you've got so many supportive people around you right now. And I know it's not the same but if you ever can't sleep and need someone to talk to I'll be awake on the other side of the world!

  7. I'm so sorry fasterbunny! Regardless of the fact that this obviously needed to happen, it still sucks (((hugs))) But it sounds like you are on the right path and realize how good it will be for you in the long run. Enjoy your newfound and taking cooking classes are awesome, and I have no doubt you'll find the right someone to share those things with.

    Seriously, who gives grief about cooking classes?! What an idiot. ;)

  8. Thanks for the support ! I think I am bring misunderstood about the activities part. It's not as though I could not sign up for activities, but the general lack of interest in anything I liked or wanted to do along with his schedule that I was working around so we could spend time together made it hard to get excited about doing anything. That's all. Hope that made sense.
    -Margot (sorry cant figure out how to sign in on my phone)

  9. I don't even know what to say. This is such a wonderful post for you I think, a place to get things out and let it go that might sound weird but it seems as if you are doing just that, which is wonderful. We are all here for you, even us strangers ;). Chin up! And if it is a hard day you know where to turn

  10. I'm so sorry this whole thing happened. I've been there, and there are definitely times you feel like you won't be okay (but I promise, you will!!!!) And definitely keep doing the things you love, you will meet more awesome people that way and forget about the old losers. XOXO

  11. I'm sorry to hear you're going through this -- break-ups suck and I wish you weren't hurting at all. Glad you're heading to a better place.

  12. ... so does this mean you're going to come race in Seattle? :)

    Looking forward to the new blog material and though it sucks it sounds like it will be for the best (eventually).


  13. I missed the short-lived post but saw something big was going down on twitter. So sorry this happened to you and that things ended badly, but it's great that you're able to see some positive in it too. Cake decorating is SO MUCH FUN. Who knows, maybe all these new things you'll try will lead you to meet Mr. "I'm now dating this dude isn't he cute" Guy. :)

  14. Margot you are AWESOME (and hilarious). I can tell you are surrounded by so much love!