I'm still alive. In pictures.

Hi dudes.  I hope you're doing well.  I am doing....ok.  A LOT has happened in the past couple weeks so this post will just serve to update you.  You know...if you care.  (hi mom?).

1) I moved.  Back to Orange County!  I love the OC.   The good news is that my roommate is a lot of fun.  Also, she has a big dog.  Also, the place is probably the nicest place I've ever lived (that is not saying much but still).  And the view is great.

Also, the pool is great.  There goes my excuse for not doing a triathlon due to lack of water facilities!

I am excited to be back with my running friends in the OC as well!

2) Car:  I got a new one one!  Well ok I sort of got a new one.  My mom has had two cars for a while (since my dad passed away) and I finally convinced her to let me ship out car #2 from Virginia.  It's a 2002 but now I have automatic locks.  And no one can take that piece of beautiful automation from me!

3) A Promotion:  I also got one of these at work.  It was really great because it happened about ten days after my breakup and really helped me to get through the week.

4) A Nephew: One more thing I'm lucky enough to have!  My sister in law unexpectedly gave birth last week to a beautiful baby boy.  I think this anecdotally says how I feel:

To me, most baby pictures look the same (sorry parents.  Janae's baby is the one exception for me).  It's just not that exciting to me.  But when I saw the first picture of my nephew I thought, now that is ONE CUTE BABY.  I love him already!

I can't wait to travel to New York to meet little Theo.

5) Google:  I got to go to Google headquarters for work.  This feels silly to mention but I mean...I've always wanted to go.

You know what though?  They closed the cafeteria at 2 pm so I never got to eat dessert!  Sadz.  

6) Online Dating:  I'm on it as of this morning.  I've been trying to convince myself to do this for a couple weeks but the main impetus was finding out that yesterday (while at Google) my ex is now dating his lady friend from our relationship and not trying to hide it at all.  At first I didn't care and then I wanted to stab myself in the eye because I moved out THREE WEEKS AGO. But you know, I'll continue moving on I'm better off and all other things  blah blah blah (insert cliche even though I still want to still stab myself in the eye).

The most hilarious email I got via online dating today was someone looking for me to hook them up with an ecommerce job.  Imagine that conversation with HR if I tried to follow through:

"Where did you find this guy?  LinkedIn?"

"Nah man, Match."

7)  Running:  I'm getting back into workouts.  Sort of.  I think I'm going to run a 10k on the 4th of July as a fun run with friends!  Also, Mizuno sent me this beauty today:  It's the Wave Sayonara!   The Sayonara is a lightweight trainer with a slightly lower heel drop than a traditional shoe (10 mm).

It has a tall order to match up with the Wave Elixir that is being discontinued (and is my FAVORITE shoe ever).   But I am excited to try it out and run fast in it.   And it's hot, let's face it.

Now what will end up being hotter, my online dating prospects or my runs in the Wave Sayonara?  Well, you'll have to stay tuned.  The best is yet to come, my friends.

Well, at least The Most Ridiculous Stories Are Yet To Come.  That, I can promise you.

On finding the one

I don't know if you've been following the NCAAs but in the 5000 meter women's race yesterday, Abbey D'Agostino took first, Betsy Saina took second, and Jordan Hasay took third.

I know there's probably too much hype around Jordan Hasay (partially because she is blonde and cute but also more legitimately because she is smart, seems sweet, and is damn fast), but I must say, I love her just like everyone else does.  She finished up her college career with this quote:

“I was trying to believe in storybook endings. But that’s life. You can script it all you want, but it doesn’t always work out the way you would like it to.”

Indeed.   Thanks for being real.

Come on, what's not to love.  source

Along this line, I find it very hard to stomach inspirational phrases that say things like "If you can dream it you can do it", etc..  There are inspirational stories every day of people overcoming hardship but at the same time, you see stories of heartache and despair just as often.

I also find romantic statements about "finding the one" and "you'll know when you know" to be very frustrating.  Unless you are very religious, I don't even know how anyone can believe in "finding the one".  It is statistically nearly impossible!  Calculate the odds.   They are not good.  Look at divorce rates.

Even "Everything happens for a reason" is frustrating to me.  Try telling that to someone dying of a terrible disease.  If there is a reason for stuff like that, it sure is lost on me.

How about "If you dream it, you can work extremely hard towards that goal, do as much as you can, and thank your lucky stars you haven't gotten mixed up in some mass shooting or something, maybe you'll get there.  Head down, eyes forward.".  (Sorry, still reeling a bit from this week's Santa Monica college shooting).  

But when I stop being quite so damn pessimistic, sometimes I can try to relate to some of the magic other people seem to feel.  The main thing I can really relate it to is my job.  Is that sad?

Here is why.   I've gone through a huge number of attempted career paths (even internships) that are diverse as horticulture, oil and gas engineering, environmental consulting, education reform, and now...yes...digital marketing in the fashion space.

I wouldn't say that every single day of my life, I jump out of bed excited to go to work (there are ups and downs), but in general, I really like my job and am excited about my career path.  I can't really explain it, because I'm not THAT into fashion, or marketing, but I love the combination of data analysis, fun people, constantly changing technologies, reacting to customer behavior, and come on...who doesn't like clothes.  In times like these, when my personal life is a bit of a mess, I almost can't wait to go into work on Monday morning.

I have family connections in the business, but still, without a number of weird hardships, there is no way I would have ended up in digital marketing.  So maybe everything doesn't happen for a reason, but sometimes out of bad stuff comes good stuff.  Right?

And I don't want to fool myself into thinking that this is the only job I will ever have, or the only thing that would give me fulfillment, but I know that I am very lucky to like my job.

So maybe that is what you crazy dreamers are talking about when you say you found the one.  Or that you're reaching your dreams.  Logically, you know that the stats are stacked against all of your dreams coming true and finding THE BEST person in the world for you.  But you sure are thankful that you found things that you love and love you and want to believe you're on the right path.

And that's where I am right now.  Listening to my instincts, trying to be thankful for what I have, hoping that I'm on the right path...and oh yeah...maybe trying to take inspirational phrases a little less literally.  I think that will work better for me :).

This Week

I'd like to preface this by saying that I'm aware that there are people in the world with MUCH greater problems than me right now.  Unfortunately, this is the problem I am dealing with right now so it feels very central to my life and thoughts.  Hopefully this won't be the focus of my blog for too much longer, but it may be.  We'll see. So uh...sorry. 

This week has been harder so far.  More normal, but more real and emotionally harder.   Guess I was just running on adrenaline last week.

What's Going Ok

The good news is that in about 82% of situations that have arisen in the past week, I have taken the high road.  I've done a couple things that I'm sure I'll look back on and not be proud of, but I've tried to keep yelling, screaming, and revenge plots (beyond just in my head) to a minimum.  The thing is, in a way it's selfish.  Anything nutty I have already done has just made me feel bad in turn and anything decent I do makes me feel better.

I've also returned to some semblance of productivity at work.  I'm maybe at 71%.

Some other good news is that I have moved all of my things out and have actually put in an application on a place to live in ORANGE COUNTY!!!  Back to the burbs, my friends.  I've tried LA twice now, and it's just not my favorite.

Getting ready for dinner every night at Macaroni Grill.

The reason why I found a place to live so fast is 1) I don't want to be a deadbeat with all of my stuff in plastic bags forever.... 2) I found some girl looking to move from a 1 bedroom to a 2 bedroom who I really like.  I felt "omg I hope I'm not misjudging you but I think we could be really good friends" like.

I didn't want to let her get away.  So I told her "sure I'll live with you" after about 5 minutes of researching the place.  Call me stupid, but for some reason it feels right and many of my best decisions in life have been made by trusting my gut.

The Bad News

I thought that getting my stuff out of my old apartment, getting off the lease, and filling out an application for a new place would make me feel better.  Which it does, but it's also been surprisingly hard.  The sad finality that I feel is unexpected.  And it's a weird experience essentially evicting yourself.

The worst part about all of this, is that I've passed the "SCREW YOU I HATE YOU ALL SO MUCH" phase and am now moving into the phase of "But remember all the good things...ahhhh what am I going to do without you?" part.

Or at least the "But remember all the good things....MARGOT CALL YOUR BEST FRIEND SHE WILL COMFORT YOU YOU NEED TO MOVE ON NAAHHHHH I am not LISTENING!!!!".  This is the conversation I am having with myself.

 It's much easier when you can think of people who hurt you as solely comic super-villains.  But unfortunately that only exists in Batman cartoons.

Things are complicated and situations are complicated but I am just trying to take it all one day at a time and stay around people who I know to be stable, nice, and trustworthy.   One thing I know about life is that no situation, no matter how bad or good, ever lasts forever.  So I am just trying to wait this one out.

A more rational update

As I go through this transition, I have no doubt that this blog is going to be a great outlet for my feelings and how I rebuild.

If you missed the more dramatic post that lived for about two hours (in the case you did JEEZ can't believe you aren't checking my blog hourly) the short of it is that my nearly three year relationship ended in the most dramatic way with my chasing after a car.  There had been a lot of shitty things going on for a while and it hit a breaking point earlier this week.

It's too bad because we lived together (I suppose we are still legally living together as I try to move out ASAP).  It's also too bad because like most relationships, I entered into this one with the greatest happiness and optimism.  I was really happy we were together.

People have been asking "how are you doing?".

Honestly, I'm ok.  Or at least I think I am going to be ok barring any major disasters moving forward.  I am shocked at how ok I am.  I really thought I was going to be a completely dysfunctional shell of a human being for months but unless I am still in shock, that is not the case.  I think there are a number of reasons for this:

1) My Gosh You All Are Awesome:  I have been overwhelmed by the outpouring of support from my family, friends, internet friends, and people I have never even spoken to before.  From my brother (and many others) who offered me a place to stay and offered to help me move, to my cute blog friends who sent me flowers to my coworkers taking me to lunch, to readers writing me notes.  Seriously.  Never in my life have I felt so loved.

2) You Can't Be Killed When You're Already Dead:  I went through about three breakdowns over the past few months over our relationship during arguments.  I mean, shaking, crying, have a headache afterwards arguments.  I tend to cling onto relationships until their last dying breath which is probably unhealthy.  But the good news is that when you finally break up, you are so relieved you don't have to do that again, it's not so bad.

3) Long Term Compatibility and Sadness:  I will get all mature here and say that even four days out from this debacle, I can see so many areas of incompatibility.  Areas that I knew existed but it's like all of a sudden I can see them.  Also, and I don't know if this is the relationship or not (and this may sound a little scary) but for the past few months, I've just had an overwhelming sad feeling.  Like when I would drive down the freeway, I would fantasize about crashing my car on the rails.   That's not normal.  And while I am incredibly sad, all of a sudden that feeling is gone.  At least for now.  And that's a good thing.

4) The Future is my Oyster:  All of a sudden I can do exactly what I want.  That's scary but it's also exciting.  I can run whatever races I want without the fear of grumbling about them.  I can take a damn cake decorating class if I want without worrying if it's going to mess with anyone's schedule.  As a rule, I love taking care of others and don't mind changing things for others, but the feeling of freedom feels nice.   There is of course, the general feeling of annoyance/fear of being 30 and single when I truly do want to get married and have kids.  But more than those things, I want to be happy and treated well.  So that's my priority right now.

5) It's been worse and it will be worse:  I've experienced worse periods in my life and survived them.  And sadly, I'm sure that worse things will happen in my life.   You gotta get through the shitty parts to experience the awesome parts, right?   And to put it all in prospective, I am incredibly thankful to have a decent job and great family so I can get myself out of this situation without too much worry of imposing or wrecking myself financially.

So there you have it.  Here's hoping that the future brings plenty of great blog material like "look at my new roommate and me be hilarious together" and "I'm now dating this dude isn't he cute" and "wow I run so much better now, amazing" and "I made this cake, check it out, succcckas".

And if it doesn't, well I ask for your support because while I am optimistic I know this will not be easy. But I believe it will be for the best.

Thanks.