Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Seven Highly Ineffective Habits of Online Daters

Hi there.  I hope your first half of July was amazing.

Mine was...good?  In case you were wondering if this is still a running blog, I ran a 10k as a tempo and ran it like a minute per mile off of my PR.  Oops!   So now I'm looking for a 10k redemption run to wipe that shame out of my mind.   I also revived track party Tuesday mornings with SarahOual and it was glorious.

I've also been not running.  Between my (gloriously hot and single!) roommate and myself, we have been exploring the online dating world.   Some of the profiles we've seen and emails we've received have been a little...strange...(Not all!  Some are lovely!).  So here is Margot, Marissa and Laura's guide to the "Man-Profile".



Seven Highly Ineffective Habits of Online Daters

1) Name Time: When creating an online dating profile, one must choose a screen name.    The problem is that it's pretty much impossible to have a cool sounding name.  However, there are various ways to really go big or go home.  If you really want to impress a girl:
A) Put something like "Doc" or "MD" or something otherwise braggy in your name.   She will be impressed!  The more brags you can fit in the better.
B) Turn her on with Sexual Innunendo.  While a number of these have been spotted, I believe "phrankandbeanz" takes the cake.

2)  The Tricker: How do you make yourself stand out in the sea of daters?  Trick her.  Email something like "Hey, I know I'm not in your age bracket but I wish you the best!"  And then when she writes back to thank you, write  "Soooo...how are you?".    Gotcha!

3) The Ashamed: Here's the thing:  you're much cooler than the other people on the site.  I mean...it was your friend/mom/dog/cat who convinced you to get on it to began with, so it's important to make sure everyone knows how cool you are.  Before writing anything about yourself in your profile, write a paragraph that says "OMG I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M DOING THIS.  Let's say we met at the mall!" in about five different ways.  Bonus points if your profile pictures feature you with a bunch of slutty looking girls.   

4) Fancy Car (or Boat!) Guy: We get it, you want a down to earth girl who isn't materialistic.  But you also have a kickass car!  Worth TONS of money.  And...people need to know this.   Profile pic of car/boat instead of you?  Check and check.

5) Never Accept Failure :  If at first she does not respond, try try again.  You just didn't try hard enough.   Here's a good example:  If your lady friend does not reply at your first attempt, send another email that says "looks are not everything".  No response still?  She's playing hard to get.  Send another one that says "Welll....?".

6) Getting Your Foot In The Door:  A few white lies are totally fine.   You're 4 inches shorter than you'd like to be?  Make up your height!  You are a police officer but you think the girls you want won't like that?  Say you're an architect.  Clearly once you've met in person these tiny differences will pale in comparison to how charming you are.

7) Grammar is for losers:  No need to bother with this when you say things like "your hot".  In the words of Ross from Friends, "You're" is "you are" and Your spells YOUR.   But does it really matter?  Nah.

What are your favorite ways to impress the preferred sex?   Anyone have any battle stories to share?

*No online daters were harmed in the creation of this blog post.  As I mentioned, many people are lovely and do not brag about their cars or pretend to be seven feet tall. 

11 comments:

  1. The four-inches-shorter-than-advertised guy (aka: four inches shorter than 5'7" me) was my third (and final) online date.

    Do you remember the MTV show "Next"? Where a potential date would come into the room, and if the other person wasn't immediately attracted to them, he or she would shout, "Next!" and get a new date?

    I used to think it was mean, but after having to sit through a beer with four-inches-shorter-than-advertised guy, I started thinking it was brilliant.

    Good luck. I hope your online dating experience isn't as frustrating and unproductive as mine was.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hi there! I've been quietly reading your blog for months, and this post made me want to comment, hah. I have so many feelings about online dating, I just can't hold back...

    Oh MAN. I went through like six months of online dating before I found my current boyfriend of 2+ years (who is a gem, thankthefreakinlord), BUT....it took many bizarre encounters ("dates"..?) before the clowns fell away. A few memorable ones:

    -tennis coach, seemed nice in his profile, total bro in person, thought it was charming to tell me about all the moms he's bedded whilst coaching their teenaged children. tmi? wtf.
    -a male opera singer, who in theory sounded really cool (right??), but when i met him, was so insecure about being a "mere musician" that he couldn't stop talking about how little money he made, but how he "got by fine", "was at least following his dream", "money isn't everything," etc etc........i never asked you about your income, dude. chillthehellout. We met up at a pretty sketchy bar of his choosing, because "the beer is cheaper there." Mmm, charming.
    -BEST ONE EVER: this was my first okcupid date, so I was very nervous but excited. Guy seemed hilarious, attractive, self-aware, tall, smart, etc. How could it go wrong? It was such a letdown! Like a different person from who the profile indicated he'd be. He mentioned having condoms in his wallet because well, "you never know," and told me all about how his ex had genital herpes and it really bothered him, so he broke it off after 2 years, but "hopefully she's over". This was the topic of conversation on our FIRST DATE, and he told me these things before 30 minutes of meeting him passed. WHATTTT.

    anyway, i loved online dating because it was always an adventure, and i did meet some awesome people, even if we weren't destined to be together.

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  3. No no no no. Just no to posting a picture of your car or boat in lieu of face. Eew. This list is the start of a really good book I think.

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  4. This was in person and not online, but in general I think it's safe to say that it is ALWAYS a good idea to approach a girl and offer to "spread eagle" her. It is not offensive, not to the recipient or to the girl you arrived with.

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  5. This is hilarious and SO SPOT ON!! Ways to immediately turn me off include 1) profile pic including a hot chick 2) stating up front you never thought you'd do this or not sure this online thing will work 3) you have any bathroom mirror pics and 4) your message to me only contains "hey girl" or "wanna grab a drink"

    Good luck to you in your search...maybe we will both eventually post a "how I found a husband online" story...LOL!

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  6. So funny!

    Lets add that it's best to not bill oneself as "athletic and toned" and then include photos clearly showing that one is NOT.

    Also why do guys who live over 500 miles away email when your profile indicates you are interested in locals only...as in 20 miles or less?

    Definitely an adventure! Good luck!

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  7. I loved reading this post. I got married 3 months ago to my match.com 40th date. Sometimes you gotta kiss (or at least sift thru) a lot of frogs....

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  8. HA!!

    My favorites were:

    Him: I'm in between cars.
    Me: I'm 35. Not having a car is deal breaker.
    Him: You're awfully judgmental.

    Other guy
    Him: Let's get drunk like sailors!
    Me: Um. It's 10:30 am. On a Monday. I'm not big on getting drunk AT WORK.
    Followed by a dozen or so messages (that have never been responded to) about how we need to get drunk together.

    Totally agree on the pictures about the cars/boats/toys. I'M SO IMPRESSED.

    lol

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  9. Loved this post! I've been doing the match thing for a month now and have been on one date. (It went well - but it felt like I was on a date with a friend. I don't think he liked it when I asked him how fast his 10 miler time was when he could tell I was faster than him). :)
    My notes:
    1. I am in awe of how many winks I get from 50 year old men. Do you not see the age range?
    2. I can't believe some of the emails I get..."hey gorgeous what are you doing this weekend?" And then they proceed to give me their number. This works for you?!
    3. Screen names are tough. What's not tough is NOT responding to an email when your screen name is stinky_pants. Really dude? And you wonder why you're 40ish and single.
    4. Grammar is really important! Please use caps when starting a sentence. It's not that hard.
    5. Why do people bother putting their income range on there?

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  10. Loved this post! I've been doing the match thing for a month now and have been on one date.
    My notes:
    1. I am in awe of how many winks I get from 50 year old men.
    2. I can't believe some of the emails I get..."hey gorgeous what are you doing this weekend?" And then they proceed to give me their number. This works for you?!
    3. Screen names are tough. What's not tough is NOT responding to an email when your screen name is stinky_pants. Really dude? And you wonder why you're 40ish and single.
    4. Grammar is really important! Please use caps when starting a sentence. It's not that hard.
    5. Why do people bother putting their income range on there?

    ReplyDelete