Ramblings on life frustrations

I've been feeling a little overwhelmed lately.  Maybe it's the marathon training.  Maybe it's career stuff.  Maybe it's personal stuff.  It's probably all three and then some.

By most metrics, my life is pretty great.  I have a decent job, legs that allow me to run decently, a car that drives (at least for the time being), good friends, great brothers and sisters-in-laws, and a sweet boyfriend.  Yet I feel like I am routinely falling short of all expectations.  Letting the people in my life and myself down.

I was never one of those kids that imagined exactly what their adult life would be life.  I figured I'd have some random job, get married, have some kids, and live an extremely average life.  But one thing I did know was that I'd have it together by the time I was an adult.  Things would be simple.  I'd know what to do. Ultimately I would become one of those two dimensional grown-ups that spoke about "the economy" and "bran muffins".

But the funny thing is, once I became an adult, I realized that all the grownups I knew when I was a kid didn't have it together either.  I've often thought back to my parents, and now I can see the fears, hopes, and insecurities that they must have had as parents that I was blind to as a child.

Sometimes I think that growing up is sort of like looking into a funnel.  At the beginning, the opportunities are endless.  You could be an astronaut, or an actor, or a fireman.  Gradually, as you proceed through life, the funnel becomes more and more narrow.  Every job posting you look at requires experience in the exact same field.  As though there is no way to enter into something unless you were born with 2-5 years of experience.  We get locked into car loans, mortgages, student loans (F you very much, Sallie Mae).  Slowly, the dreams fade.  The opportunities narrow.  The acceptance of the life we have begins.

This last week, a friend of mine's brother was killed in a helicopter crash in a Coast Guard Training mission.  (It made the national news, so maybe you heard about the four killed in the accident.)  Even though I haven't talked to my friend in months, I've been a bit heartbroken over it.   His brother, who had so much promise, was killed instantly.  All of his future was gone in a second.

Oddly, this accident, or other news reports or bad news hasn't put things in prospective for me.  It hasn't made me count my blessings.  Instead, I feel like I've become more angry at the world for breaking the promise of the endless opportunity that these men had.   This kid was likely living his dream of flying helicopters and serving his country.  And look what he got.

I know this is the point in time when I should take a step back, and understand that all this worrying about events you can't control is meaningless.  I think we're pretty much 50% in control of the wheel of the major events in our lives.

So what's the point?  Should we all just accept apathy ?  I don't know.  I'm trying to find a balance in my life where my frustrations are funneled into constructiveness and I am able to find joy in all facets of life as it comes to me.  Running certainly helps.  I almost never feel more alive or sure of myself when I am kicking in a race, or finishing an interval.  While running can be an added stress, it's also of the few times in my life when I know exactly what I need to do.   And that's comforting.