Wednesday, November 23, 2011

How to get totally fat during the holidays

Every year around this time, I start seeing a lot of articles about how not to get fat during the holiday season.  Stuff like "bring an apple to the party" or "Walking 2 extra laps around the track will help you burn off half of that holiday cookie!".   Or best yet "park far away when you're going shopping to get the exercise".

I park far away when I shop.  But not to burn 5 calories while inhaling insane amounts of car exhaust.  It's because I live in damn Orange County and trying to park anywhere close at South Coast Plaza in December is my idea of hell.

I'd like to propose that we all just chillax and enjoy the holiday season.

There are probably about five times during the holiday season when you're really going to indulge:   Christmas (or insert other religious holiday of choice...if you're celebrating Hanukkah, those 8 crazy nights may indeed break the diet more than my projections), Thanksgiving, Some sort of random cookie binge session, and about two big holiday parties, assuming you have a moderate amount of friends.

Sure sure...there will be people around the office offering you random crap to eat, but if you usually eat that stuff in moderation during the rest of the year, you're probably not going to go hog-wild on them just because Santa is coming to town.   So here's the breakdown:

Holiday Party #1:  Some random work party that your sig o (or awkward date) brought you to.  You decide not to completely embarrass them, so in addition to a normal dinner, you pretend you're on Mad Men and drink the following:
2 Old Fashioneds and a Vodka Gimlet. And you have a piece of Apple Pie.
Total Damage: 180 + 180 + 110 + 400 = 870 Calories

Cookie Binge:  The host of the last party insisted you took stuff home.  So instead of taking it into the office like you said you would, you got up at 2 AM for a "bite" and they all ended up mysteriously disappearing.   10 medium-ish cookies.
Total Damage:  1200 Calories

Holiday Party #2:  Your ex shows up with his new girlfriend.   She's not cute at all, but it's still annoying. Also, some random girl won't stop talking about her oatmeal being amazeballs.  So you really booze it up.  And you are the best dancer at that party, fa sho.
7 Coronas and some chips.
Total Damage:  140 x 7 + 200 = 1180 Calories

Thanksgiving:  You eat a lot of crap.  Wine, rolls, stuffing, turkey, cranberry sauce, pie...etc....
Then you wash it down with a bottle of wine while listening to your cousin tell you about her new awesome job/baby/husband/life and ask you why you haven't settled down yet.
Total  Damage:  1500 (dinner) + 500 (wine) = 2000 Calories

Christmas (...or insert extra holiday of choice...):  Repeat of Thanksgiving.  Except this time you eat the Whitman's sampler instead of the wine.
Total Damage:  2000 Calories

So here's what your five days of fun will cost you:  7250 Calories.

Number of Calories in a Pound?  About 3500.

Total Weight Gain?  2.07 lbs.

2.07 lbs?
That's not all that bad...

I say go for it, you crazy kids.


  1. And to that I say : AMEN!

    Happy thanksgiving!

  2. Hahaha I love this!! What's a measly 2 pounds?! Enjoy your Holiday!

  3. What would the holidays be without the indulgence? What about the night before Thanksgiving helping cook and drinking booze because family is in town. I'd say there are about 1000 calories in there too.

  4. This is too funny. I always wonder what the big deal is - it's just a few occasions, and don't those cookie binges/big meals/parties happen the rest of the year too?

  5. You forgot to subtract calories for the wild dancing and the skipped breakfast due to cookie fullness. It might even be less than 2 lbs!

  6. I totally took your advice. And I'm OK with that!! Next week....different story....but that's the point, right?

  7. love this! I'm totally going for it! 2 deserts yesterday and then leftover deserts today. But I've got to get them out of the house, right?

  8. Bahaa! I love your hypotheticals!

    I think my Thanksgiving looked more like this
    1200 (food) + 500 (wine) + 400 (beer). I like to partake in the beverages on turkey day.

  9. This was magnificent. I'd say even it out to 2.25 with a ninth old fashioned. Because old-men drinks deserve round numbers.

  10. Agreed with Courtney, best post ever. Christmas cookie are dangerous especially with alcohol floating around so abundantly with the holiday season.